I started back to school today. It was really nice to remember how much I love nursing and it made me feel validated to basically be alive. If I don’t feel like I am producing enough for the household, I don’t feel like my life is worth anything. I feel like I have to constantly prove myself to those around me out of a desperate fear that someone may think i’m lazy or a leach. This I will bring up to my therapist when I see her again.

I really enjoyed my first meeting with my therapist. I haven’t told my mom, boyfriend, or sister that I saw a therapist. I feel so free being able to work on my life without feeling the need to hear everyone’s opinion. I didn’t hold anything back from her but I wanted the conversation to flow naturally. I didn’t introduce my mother as an opioid addict as I would have in the past. I let her unravel the story and I could tell that she was a kid in a candy store listening to the stories of my life.

I took an “Are you an alcoholic” test online yesterday. I tried to answer the questions as best I could as they pertained to my life now. Most test results said I was in the early stage of alcoholism…. It was strange to read those results considering my past.Now I drink 2-3 times week. I usually have 2 cocktails or 2 glasses of wine, but some days it can turn into more. I never drink during the day and I rarely have a hangover. I might have a hangover twice a month…thats a world of difference from a hangover everyday for 6 years. I feel like I can stop drinking when I want and I don’t feel the need to get numbingly drunk even when alcohol is around.

My problem I’m having is that I feel guilty if i’m not sober even if i only have one glass of wine. I had a thought this morning where i wished I had been sober for the month break. Yet, I don’t know why? Who cares? I was sober most of the time (considering my past) and I took an entire week off drinking without a problem. Now, going sober for a few days to a week isnt a nightmare. I’m just sober…I don’t really put much thought into it..Am I still a raging drunk?