Dear Teacher

Dear Teacher,

This summer you spoke of your experience with substance abusers and the mentally ill. You spent the whole summer speaking of your experiences but failed to ask about mine. You assumed you had authority on the subject but forgot that the people nearest you who spent their whole lives living in the shadows of the mentally ill and may also abuse the substances you speak of. I didn’t expect you to heal me or walk beside me in my journey, I just assumed you would have understood that the young 5 year old child many of your patients speak of turns up to be the 28 year old woman sitting next to you today. This 28 year old woman know exactly what it’s like to live with the mentally ill and substance abusers. This 28 year old knows what its like to live with family in and out of rehab. This woman knows the deepest secrets of the sickly while you clock out of your job and go home. This woman doesn’t get to clock out.

Dear Teacher don’t forget that just because i’m here sitting next to you doesn’t mean i don’t have a story to tell. I know you aren’t my therapist, I know you aren’t my doctor. Yet to be a teacher, you’ve got to also ask the right questions. You never asked, “What do you know about this population, What are your experiences with the mentally ill?”

1year

I definitely haven’t been sober for one year, but I have been a lot MORE sober and i’ve made a lot of changes.  I drank for 365 days straight for 6 years. I drank maybe 180 days this year (or less). I would say that is a major improvement. This year after being sober a couple of months, I realized that I drank because I didn’t want to feel. I would rather skip the day all together than spend anytime having feelings.

On Friday after being sober for the week, I drank because I was alone and I didn’t want to stare at the clock for the rest of the evening until I went to bed. I drank white wine, which would have been a “light” drinking night. I woke up and felt so overwhelmingly ill that i had to spend the day locked up inside. At one point i just layed in bed and moaned. I don’t know why I felt so sick. I attribute it to my liver not being able to metabolize the alcohol the way it used to. I’ve either gotten older or my liver has had enough. I realized again, that I just can’t do this anymore. It wastes my days and damages my health. I don’t want to be like the sickly I take care of, I want to be the healthy person who lives life tell the end. It’s interesting that this moment happened around June 1, which is the same time I had the “come to Jesus” moment last year.

I love being sober in the summer. It is so much easier and soooo enjoyable.  The good news is that I’ve been sober before, so all the conversations about not drinking don’t seem daunting anymore.  I also have a therapist who helps me work through my issues. We will see how far my sobriety goes, but for all that is good and holy I can NOT be that sick again.

A look back

I shook my head when I thought of all the issues i stressed about in my early twenties. I wish i hadn’t created so much heartache for myself.

Here is my list:

I wish i hadn’t stressed about my looks so much. When I got older I realized that everyone has their own style and their own beauty. Beauty means a lot of different things to people. When we are younger we judge and promote those that are beautiful, but when we age we tend to run away from the most beautiful and run towards the most loving and helpful.

I wish i hadn’t given all those dumb jobs my energy, love, emotion and worry. I had a lot of little jobs in college that i stressed out about a lot. My supervisors and fellow employees took up way too much energy in my life. Looking back, I’m not sure why I cared so much. It was a waste of serious energy.

I wish i hadn’t worried about everything i put in my mouth. I know that an eating disorder has a lot less to do about food as much as it has to do with feeling inadequate and not having appropriate coping mechanisms, but still wish I didn’t make myself completely insane. I worried about EVERY morsel i ate. It created such havoc and pain in my life. I still feel such sadness about my life back then. I know it was the only way i knew how to deal with my life at the time, but i just feel sad that i had to go through that.

I wish i hadn’t worried about the little things that turned out to not be a big deal. I think we all think about this from time to time, but continue to worry anyway. I’m doing my best to stop thinking that every little thing will be life changing.

Progress

Since my last post I have only consumed alcohol one day. I only drank that one day because i was way too tired and I should have taken a nap. I find my biggest struggle with alcohol is around 5pm. I’m usually exhausted by 5pm and it gives me anxiety to sit and watch TV until I go to bed. Drinking when i’m tired not only relieves the stress of the day but it makes the evening pass. I recognized over the last 2 weeks of mostly sober living that I also have an addictive struggle with working out. I work at my active job and then work out. Its too much for my body sometimes and drinking relieves the aches and pains. If i want continued success without alcohol, I also have to make sure I don’t push myself over the edge physically.

I am also more aware of my internal dialogue. I bought a new sober book that i’m not recommending yet because i’m not completely sold on it. Yet, the first couple of chapters really highlight being aware of all the devils, angels, and conversations going on in my head. I’m not sure exactly what i’m supposed to do with my internal dialogue but i’m more aware of it. I guess that’s progress.

I also hate to admit how much more free I feel when my boyfriend is gone. Living with him can make me feel trapped because he overexerts himself physically too, which ends up making us both tired and leads to drinking. I also feel like I have to cater to someone else’s schedule, which makes me feel like i can’t be completely free in my life and it also leads me to feel trapped and bored. The first time i got sober i scheduled it when he was going to be out of town, and I seem to have a much easier time staying sober when he isn’t around. People keep telling me we are perfect together but I can’t help but drift farther and farther away.

Here I am again

Guess who’s alcoholism came back to rear its ugly head!!???

I was in denial about being able to drink on occasion. Of course i found myself initially able to pick up a drink and put it down, I could go a few days without a drink, but then pick it up again. I thought I had cured myself and became a “normal” drinker, but we all know that is not the case.

I started having cravings early in the day, started thinking about drinking while at work, woke up hungover on a Tuesday…Saturday morning i woke up and had enough. I have had enough hangovers and the worst part is that I am tired of watching the world go by while i am sitting at home drinking or sitting at home recovering from drinking.

I have a problem, i have to be on top of it, i can’t listen to anyone else’s ideas…I HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM…. So, I’m trying to make a pact with myself to work as hard as i did becoming sober the first time….I know its a lot of work but I think its easier than feeling like garbage.

Anyway of course its Easter and of course my family is no where to be seen. My mother has decided to have lunch at a friends house even though she has been out of town and i haven’t seen her in months, my sister wont answer my text-messages about dinner tonight or coming over later today, my boyfriend left town….and here I am alone again on a holiday as usual…watching everyone on facebook have an “AMAZING AND WONDERFUL EASTER!!!!” Fuck you

I was going to go to the mall and return a gift so i could go shopping but the mall is closed. Maybe i will sit here and research sobriety books and watch movies. I think i’ll go to the pharmacy and get my NSAID RX because my hands are jacked up from going to school for 10 fucking years. One more thing that hurts…

fart in a bucket.

Alcoholic Proud

I spoke to two women today who are level one nursing students (there are four levels). They both looked a little “beat up” and rough around the edges I suppose. I could see a lot of late nights in their eyes. I’m not trying to be rude or judgemental. I don’t think I’m better than everyone else for trying to lead a sober lifestyle, but I can’t help but notice others around me who worship alcohol and run towards everything alcohol related.

The women were talking about how much they drank over break, and how they would continue working as bartenders after school because they LOVE being around booze and the cocktail industry….Their conversation was old and boring, it seemed sad and empty, and slightly pathetic. Their looks showed how much they loved the booze…

One of the reasons I quit drinking was that I could tell that my face was starting to look old, dreary, dry, and beat up. I did not want to be one of those women who look like they have had a few too many rough nights. Some of the days that I do drink currently, I can see the effect on my face. When I’m sober, I get lots of compliments and questions regarding my beauty regimen.

When I moved into town, closer to all the “cool” bars, I thought I might go and enjoy myself sometimes. Yet, I went once and I did not enjoy myself. The thought of sitting in a bar drinking seems boring and sickly to my body.

Im happy I’ve moved forward in my life. I’m proud to be sober(ish). I try everyday to be a better person because there were many years that I was not a good person to myself and those around me.

I started back to school today. It was really nice to remember how much I love nursing and it made me feel validated to basically be alive. If I don’t feel like I am producing enough for the household, I don’t feel like my life is worth anything. I feel like I have to constantly prove myself to those around me out of a desperate fear that someone may think i’m lazy or a leach. This I will bring up to my therapist when I see her again.

I really enjoyed my first meeting with my therapist. I haven’t told my mom, boyfriend, or sister that I saw a therapist. I feel so free being able to work on my life without feeling the need to hear everyone’s opinion. I didn’t hold anything back from her but I wanted the conversation to flow naturally. I didn’t introduce my mother as an opioid addict as I would have in the past. I let her unravel the story and I could tell that she was a kid in a candy store listening to the stories of my life.

I took an “Are you an alcoholic” test online yesterday. I tried to answer the questions as best I could as they pertained to my life now. Most test results said I was in the early stage of alcoholism…. It was strange to read those results considering my past.Now I drink 2-3 times week. I usually have 2 cocktails or 2 glasses of wine, but some days it can turn into more. I never drink during the day and I rarely have a hangover. I might have a hangover twice a month…thats a world of difference from a hangover everyday for 6 years. I feel like I can stop drinking when I want and I don’t feel the need to get numbingly drunk even when alcohol is around.

My problem I’m having is that I feel guilty if i’m not sober even if i only have one glass of wine. I had a thought this morning where i wished I had been sober for the month break. Yet, I don’t know why? Who cares? I was sober most of the time (considering my past) and I took an entire week off drinking without a problem. Now, going sober for a few days to a week isnt a nightmare. I’m just sober…I don’t really put much thought into it..Am I still a raging drunk?

Day One?

I’m going to visit with my new therapist today. I’m excited but slightly concerned that I will make a bad impression. I’m worried that this woman will not take my life seriously and she will just label me, put me in a box, and go along her merry way. I’ve been trying to think about what I will say if she asks me why I’m seeking therapy. I have been trying to come up with the right response to what i’m feeling.

I realize that I’m getting older and I’m still plagued by issues big and small from my past. I’ve tried my best to move forward in my life but I’ve come to realize that in order for me to take the next step in life, become a good leader, be a good nurse, and maybe get married, I need to get passed..well the past. I can’t do it alone anymore. 

I am hoping this woman challenges me, I hope that she can help me move forward, I hope she believes in me, and I hope she can see my life as a whole.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Medal for Busyness

i’ve written before about my insecurities about feeling worthy unless i’m mind-numbingly busy. Well, my busyness is that: MIND NUMBING. I decide on a whole list of chores, put on talk radio, and work throughout the day on various random things on my to-do list. When I first went on school break it was nice to do things around the house and tinker with little projects but I quickly found myself feeling AGAIN THE GNAWING FEELING of omg omg omg…here I am alone, vulnerable with my thoughts, and I just can’t stand it anymore.

So I decided to look for a therapist. Just now. Literally.. I googled it and narrowed my search down to one woman that seemed nice, left her a message, and I guess we can see how it goes..

I know that part of my issue I’m having is boredom. I start school again on the 19th yet, I can’t help but think.. Is everyone else bored or are they enjoying their time off? Does everyone else feel the need to work themselves into the ground? Does everyone else beat themselves up about every encounter that ever freaking happened?? 

Sometimes I feel like I’m going to throw up when I’m alone with my thoughts and memories. When I was younger, I wanted to make sure I had as much fun as I possibly could. I wanted this for two reasons: 1.  I didn’t have much fun growing up because I was a nervous wreck. 2. I was terrified of having a mid-life crisis because I didn’t have any fun.

My fun time lasted from about 18-26. I drank A LOT, I did a lot of drugs, and I had no inhibitions. At first, I felt like my cup was full after I had my “fun.” I felt relaxed kind of like I took a big deep breath, and I didn’t feel the need to run around the town. Unfortunately, All the insecurities from my past never went away and I just drank myself to sleep everyday for 5 years. Even though I only got sober-ish 6 months ago, I can’t believe that my “good or light” drinking days meant I drank a bottle of white wine. THAT WAS LIGHT DRINKING! I showed up to life everyday hungover and out of it. I only quit drinking because I honestly think that the booze was starting to get to my deep brain. I started hearing things, seeing things, I didn’t feel steady enough on my damn feet to walk out of the house.

Now with my sobriety I have a constant rush of memories in my brain that I don’t like. Memories of things I did or said, things I didn’t say, and  a lot of “what if.” Some of these are big memories that swirl round and round, some are small stupid things no one would ever fucking remember…….

I’m ready to get through this stage of my sober journey. I feel like I have done as much as I can by myself, now i need someone elses help.

Clarity

Today I feel much better than I did yesterday. I thought a lot about the issue of my old love and then forgot about it somewhere in the evening. When my boyfriend arrived last night I was elusive and looking for a reason to be annoyed. He was as wonderful as usual, and I was looking for perfection as usual. Once I relaxed in his calm embrace I felt better. I didn’t drink, nor did he. I slept well and woke up feeling creative again.

Once we moved back into town I feel so much better about my day. I can come and go from the house as I please without having to plan my entire day around one errand. I don’t feel stuck anymore. I woke up this morning and made banana bread, i’ll work out, and then run a few errands.

New Years Eve is coming up tomorrow. We are going out to dinner. I don’t know if I will drink or not. I have enjoyed my last 5 sober nights. The first and second night of sobriety after drinking are always the most difficult to get through. I haven’t had a week of sobriety in a while. I usually do 4-5 days and then the weekend comes and I have a few drinks. Christmas was the only time I actually got pretty drunk. I didn’t like it. I don’t necessarily like the buzz alcohol gives anymore. The buzz just feels like I’m in some sort of foggy cloud that I can’t escape from. The foggy cloud feeling is why I stopped smoking pot 6 years ago. I smoked all of the time, and then I stopped liking the feeling of being stuck in a box. Alcohol is something you can sober up from with water, but pot is something you have to deal with until you wake up the next day.

It snowed quite a bit last night. Today is a beautiful day.